One of those days

This morning I sat in our church sanctuary and joined others in saying farewell to a very dear man who passed away from cancer. Glancing at the congregation, I saw many who have been through the cancer journey with loved ones. I also saw some who, like me, have stared down the beast. A familiar feeling began welling up inside of me. Why did Cliff not survive his cancer? How did it come to be that he was lying in that coffin, and I was singing in the choir? Why did others out there have to go through much harder trials with their cancer than I did? What did I do to deserve the better fate?

I don't know all the answers, and I am sure survivor's guilt will hit me again at such times. In fact, I spoke with another cancer survivor at the cemetery, and he confided that he was going through the same emotions. God, we don't know. We don't understand. We do thank you for our extra time on earth, and we pray for the others.

Working it out

Okay, okay, okay. I have 2 doctors prodding me to do more exercise and eat less fatty foods. So (drum roll, please!) tonight I decided to do a little jogging. Not much, mind you. Just a little. I went to the track at the elementary school, because I knew there wouldn't be anyone there. I want to get where I can comfortably run a decent amount before I make my street debut. I'm very intimidated about looking like a total goofball.

I plan to run a 5K the first weekend in July. I've participated in 2 previous 5ks, but I mostly walked. This time I want to mostly run!

Pray for me, people. This is WAY out of my comfort zone!

Feeling vulnerable

I had to go to the dentist this morning, and I was surprised by my reaction to it. When the dentist pushed the chair back, I had that sensation of being very vulnerable. I always get it when I have to lie on an x-ray table, but it surprised me with the chair. There's something about lying back and being still while someone works on me that brings back memories of lying back for so many procedures and tests. I don't go into a full-blown panic attack, but I do have to put myself in a zone so I don't start crying or hyperventilating. Ick...

More goodbyes

This has been kind of a rough week for my survivor's guilt. First, we said goodbye to our dear friend and former minister. His colon cancer recurred, and I believe he suffered quite a lot. Then I learned that a very sweet man from one of my online support groups also passed away from his colon cancer. He was so helpful to others and left behind a wife and small children. So sad....

I don't know why I was chosen for the easier path. My cancer was discovered early, and so far it has not returned. What a blessing! I am trying to dedicate my life to raising money for research and support for cancer patients and their families through my work with the American Cancer Society. I pray that one day soon the cure will be found.