And again...

And so I heard in the last week about 1 friend going into hospice care and another former fellow church member who passed away from cancer. Colon cancer, both of them. "My" cancer! I wonder again why some get the worst deal on this, and why others, like me, get the lighter load. And sometimes in the dark of the night I wonder if that's just fool's gold. Did it hit me lightly the first go round? And will it come back to haunt me later?

I mostly believe I'm done with cancer, but then comes the periodic blood work, the colonoscopy, the mammogram (heralded by the letter reminding me that as a colon cancer survivor I'm more at risk for breast cancer). At those times, the worry creeps in, and I thank God for the break I got initially, while pondering whether or not that was a lifetime guarantee.

Thank you, God, for the life I've been given so far. Help me to be grateful for what is to come and not get mired down in doubt and worry.

One of those days

This morning I sat in our church sanctuary and joined others in saying farewell to a very dear man who passed away from cancer. Glancing at the congregation, I saw many who have been through the cancer journey with loved ones. I also saw some who, like me, have stared down the beast. A familiar feeling began welling up inside of me. Why did Cliff not survive his cancer? How did it come to be that he was lying in that coffin, and I was singing in the choir? Why did others out there have to go through much harder trials with their cancer than I did? What did I do to deserve the better fate?

I don't know all the answers, and I am sure survivor's guilt will hit me again at such times. In fact, I spoke with another cancer survivor at the cemetery, and he confided that he was going through the same emotions. God, we don't know. We don't understand. We do thank you for our extra time on earth, and we pray for the others.

Working it out

Okay, okay, okay. I have 2 doctors prodding me to do more exercise and eat less fatty foods. So (drum roll, please!) tonight I decided to do a little jogging. Not much, mind you. Just a little. I went to the track at the elementary school, because I knew there wouldn't be anyone there. I want to get where I can comfortably run a decent amount before I make my street debut. I'm very intimidated about looking like a total goofball.

I plan to run a 5K the first weekend in July. I've participated in 2 previous 5ks, but I mostly walked. This time I want to mostly run!

Pray for me, people. This is WAY out of my comfort zone!

Feeling vulnerable

I had to go to the dentist this morning, and I was surprised by my reaction to it. When the dentist pushed the chair back, I had that sensation of being very vulnerable. I always get it when I have to lie on an x-ray table, but it surprised me with the chair. There's something about lying back and being still while someone works on me that brings back memories of lying back for so many procedures and tests. I don't go into a full-blown panic attack, but I do have to put myself in a zone so I don't start crying or hyperventilating. Ick...

More goodbyes

This has been kind of a rough week for my survivor's guilt. First, we said goodbye to our dear friend and former minister. His colon cancer recurred, and I believe he suffered quite a lot. Then I learned that a very sweet man from one of my online support groups also passed away from his colon cancer. He was so helpful to others and left behind a wife and small children. So sad....

I don't know why I was chosen for the easier path. My cancer was discovered early, and so far it has not returned. What a blessing! I am trying to dedicate my life to raising money for research and support for cancer patients and their families through my work with the American Cancer Society. I pray that one day soon the cure will be found.

Being Brave

Ever since I had cancer, I have felt more vulnerable, pretty much in all aspects of life. I think it has to do with the realization that anything can happen. So I've felt more cautious, more in need of being near family, particularly my dear husband.

So I'm trying to conquer that, or at least mitigate it somewhat. And tomorrow I will be off on an adventure! For the first time in my life, I am driving off a couple of states away for a conference for work. I'm not that much afraid of the drive, but I don't relish checking into the hotel and maneuvering around a strange place alone. I'm doing it, though!

Praying I don't get halfway there and panic. I REALLY want to go to this conference, and I REALLY want to be a strong woman. So here goes!!

Lab visit

So tomorrow I go once again to have my blood drawn to check my CEA (cancer marker). That number has always been good, so it doesn't cause too much anxiety, save for the fact that I HATE needles!!! I do confess that I always call the morning after the blood draw to check on the number, and I do give a sigh of relief when I hear it's in the normal range.

I do pray for the less fortunate patients I see when I go to the cancer clinic. I know they would love to only be having a periodic blood draw. What a relief to not be lying there for hours as the dreaded chemo enters their bodies. I was given the gift of an early diagnosis. I know I can handle the needle!