The Big Surprise

In November it will be 14 years since my diagnosis with colon cancer. That was discovered at Stage 1, so I had surgery which removed all of the cancer and some lymph nodes to be sure. Follow up labs and scans continued to prove everything was good...until this year.

I began having rather severe stomach pain this spring, and in May I was quite surprised by the reason for the pain. I went to the emergency room and had a CT scan. Doctors felt I was probably having a bleeding ulcer, so I was not feeling well, but I wasn't overly concerned as I waited to see what it showed. So it was a horrible surprise when the doctor came in, and with tears in his eyes, reported that it appeared that there was a growth on my pancreas and some suspicious spots on my liver. My head turned quickly to Bill, who looked very grave and was unable to tell me this was a bad dream.

It has since been confirmed by a PET scan that what was showing on the scan was indeed pancreatic cancer, and it has spread to my liver. So I now have the status of a Stage 4 cancer patient. Ugh...I've been having chemo since June, and I've done pretty well with it, except for the first treatment, which put me in the hospital with severe dehydration and extremely low blood pressure.

My latest CT scan showed that the tumors have shrunk with the chemo, so we are keeping on with that regimen for now. At such time as it may not be working, we will try something else. In the meantime I am trying to be positive and eat lots of fruits and veggies and get exercise each day. I want to live, and I'm going to do everything I can to make that happen.

Of course, one of the major things I do in my quest for healing is to pray. I am on many prayer lists, which is wonderful, and I also pray each day for God to grant me the privilege of being one of the very few who survive this deadly cancer. I also thank God for giving me anothe day. 

Thankfully my sweet Bill is retired and can take me to treatments and help me with things around the house. He does most of the cooking now and much of the housework and is just my all around "go to guy." We are also able to take off and have adventures that would not have been possible if he were still working. Honestly, except for this dreaded disease hanging over us, I am enjoying this period of our lives quite a bit. I enjoy being with my husband all the time.

I will close now, but will try to keep up this blog in better fashion. Chemo tomorrow! Let's kill those cancer cells and start living without so much cancer in my body!

Still wounded

It's been nearly 9 years since I was diagnosed with cancer, and I had surgery and have been cancer free since then. So, even though I get anxious when testing has to happen or get the cancer blues once in awhile, I have generally gotten past it for myself. For my grandson, not so much.

My precious Owen was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma when he was 12, and he just turned 14. He is "clean" and seems very well recovered from his treatment, having grown his hair back with delightful curls and having developed muscles and looking so healthy now.What a blessing!

But the emotional scars are there when I think of what he went through and what might have been. When I watch him play soccer or flag football or run cross country, I marvel at his strength and at the same time I often feel completely weak myself. I would not have survived losing him.

I know his younger brother is still affected very strongly by the experience of Owen being sick, and I hate that for him. Cancer doesn't just physically affect one person. It can emotionally destroy a whole family for awhile, and the wounds don't really ever heal completely, I don't think.

Long time no write!

Wow! It's been a really long time since I posted! I guess that is good in a way, because mostly it's been because I've been busy. This fall I accepted a full time teaching position at my grandchildren's Montessori school. I've been subbing and volunteering there for years, so it's nice to have a regular "gig."

There has been news of more friends being diagnosed with cancer, and the loss of other dear ones. It always lays a heavy burden on my heart. Each time I question why I have been saved, and others haven't. Or why some have such a rough road, and my cancer burden was lighter.

It is almost Relay For Life time again, and I am working busily with our planning committee. Hopefully there will be lots of money raised, and we can help make more progress in the fight against the BEAST.

And again...

And so I heard in the last week about 1 friend going into hospice care and another former fellow church member who passed away from cancer. Colon cancer, both of them. "My" cancer! I wonder again why some get the worst deal on this, and why others, like me, get the lighter load. And sometimes in the dark of the night I wonder if that's just fool's gold. Did it hit me lightly the first go round? And will it come back to haunt me later?

I mostly believe I'm done with cancer, but then comes the periodic blood work, the colonoscopy, the mammogram (heralded by the letter reminding me that as a colon cancer survivor I'm more at risk for breast cancer). At those times, the worry creeps in, and I thank God for the break I got initially, while pondering whether or not that was a lifetime guarantee.

Thank you, God, for the life I've been given so far. Help me to be grateful for what is to come and not get mired down in doubt and worry.

One of those days

This morning I sat in our church sanctuary and joined others in saying farewell to a very dear man who passed away from cancer. Glancing at the congregation, I saw many who have been through the cancer journey with loved ones. I also saw some who, like me, have stared down the beast. A familiar feeling began welling up inside of me. Why did Cliff not survive his cancer? How did it come to be that he was lying in that coffin, and I was singing in the choir? Why did others out there have to go through much harder trials with their cancer than I did? What did I do to deserve the better fate?

I don't know all the answers, and I am sure survivor's guilt will hit me again at such times. In fact, I spoke with another cancer survivor at the cemetery, and he confided that he was going through the same emotions. God, we don't know. We don't understand. We do thank you for our extra time on earth, and we pray for the others.

Working it out

Okay, okay, okay. I have 2 doctors prodding me to do more exercise and eat less fatty foods. So (drum roll, please!) tonight I decided to do a little jogging. Not much, mind you. Just a little. I went to the track at the elementary school, because I knew there wouldn't be anyone there. I want to get where I can comfortably run a decent amount before I make my street debut. I'm very intimidated about looking like a total goofball.

I plan to run a 5K the first weekend in July. I've participated in 2 previous 5ks, but I mostly walked. This time I want to mostly run!

Pray for me, people. This is WAY out of my comfort zone!

Feeling vulnerable

I had to go to the dentist this morning, and I was surprised by my reaction to it. When the dentist pushed the chair back, I had that sensation of being very vulnerable. I always get it when I have to lie on an x-ray table, but it surprised me with the chair. There's something about lying back and being still while someone works on me that brings back memories of lying back for so many procedures and tests. I don't go into a full-blown panic attack, but I do have to put myself in a zone so I don't start crying or hyperventilating. Ick...

More goodbyes

This has been kind of a rough week for my survivor's guilt. First, we said goodbye to our dear friend and former minister. His colon cancer recurred, and I believe he suffered quite a lot. Then I learned that a very sweet man from one of my online support groups also passed away from his colon cancer. He was so helpful to others and left behind a wife and small children. So sad....

I don't know why I was chosen for the easier path. My cancer was discovered early, and so far it has not returned. What a blessing! I am trying to dedicate my life to raising money for research and support for cancer patients and their families through my work with the American Cancer Society. I pray that one day soon the cure will be found.

Being Brave

Ever since I had cancer, I have felt more vulnerable, pretty much in all aspects of life. I think it has to do with the realization that anything can happen. So I've felt more cautious, more in need of being near family, particularly my dear husband.

So I'm trying to conquer that, or at least mitigate it somewhat. And tomorrow I will be off on an adventure! For the first time in my life, I am driving off a couple of states away for a conference for work. I'm not that much afraid of the drive, but I don't relish checking into the hotel and maneuvering around a strange place alone. I'm doing it, though!

Praying I don't get halfway there and panic. I REALLY want to go to this conference, and I REALLY want to be a strong woman. So here goes!!

Lab visit

So tomorrow I go once again to have my blood drawn to check my CEA (cancer marker). That number has always been good, so it doesn't cause too much anxiety, save for the fact that I HATE needles!!! I do confess that I always call the morning after the blood draw to check on the number, and I do give a sigh of relief when I hear it's in the normal range.

I do pray for the less fortunate patients I see when I go to the cancer clinic. I know they would love to only be having a periodic blood draw. What a relief to not be lying there for hours as the dreaded chemo enters their bodies. I was given the gift of an early diagnosis. I know I can handle the needle!

Giving Back

It's been a busy summer for me, and I've been pretty tired the last couple of months. It's good, though, to know that the tired feeling is from doing important work and something that I enjoy (working with the children and youth from my church).

While I've been occupied with events and such, unfortunately too many of my friends have been consumed with worry about their health. And now one of the strongest ladies I know, my dear Kathryn, is in a very tough battle with a recurrence of her cancer. If anyone can beat it, I know she can. She is nearly fearless and totally persistent in her quest for freedom from "The Beast." Right now, though, there are many factors that are conspiring to test her spirit and her strength.

My prayers and my love are with Kathryn and her family. I pray that she will be free of this disease. I know God will answer that prayer, but I don't know His time or His plan. He will take care of her, I know that.

Again the question comes to my mind. Why was I so fortunate to have my cancer found in an early stage? Why am I (so far) still cancer free? I don't know the why. I just know that because of this great gift, it is my task to give back, and I will do that...

I haven't been a very faithful blogger, but I have some perfectly good excuses. The main one is that I have been very busy with Relay For Life preparations the past couple of months. I'm the captain of the team from my church, and I am also on the planning committee for our local Relay. It's the most important volunteer work I do.

This year's Relay was so special and beautiful. We dedicated to our friend, Gail, who passed away exactly 2 months after she spoke at last year's survivor area at Relay. We had a ceremony to honor her, and the committee walked a lap with her family. So much emotion for a much-loved angel.

Gail loved the beach and had "a thing" for pink flamingos, so our theme this year was "Flamingos Flock, Relayers Rock." It was awesome to see how the teams went with the theme. Flamingos were everywhere!!!
I know Gail was smiling down on the event.

And now to catch up on other aspects of life, being thankful every day that I am still alive and able to be busy. And I will continue to Relay, to carry the torch for those who Relay in Heaven now...

What I Would Have Missed

A couple of days ago, my oldest grandson sent me an email to share some stories he's writing. Owen is 9 now, and it's so fun to get emails from him. I'm saving all of them and plan to print them out and put them in a scrapbook.

While reading the stories, I thought back to earlier days when Owen would endlessly dictate stories to me. My role was to suggest some ideas, although he thought up most of the content, and then we would draw illustrations. That's pretty funny right there, because I have many skills, but drawing is absolutely not one of them. However, I did my best, because I would do anything for my Owen.

The reminiscing took me back to the time when I was diagnosed with my cancer. Right about then was when the stories were a big part of the day when I took care of Owen. I was also caring for little brother Andrew, soon to be 5, but then a 6 month-old baby. If my cancer hadn't been discovered so early, I might not have had the chance to see Owen blossom into the writer of his own stories. I might not have seen Andrew learn to walk and talk and become the funny little character he is. I might not have known Caroline at all. That precious little princess came along about a year and a half after IT came into my life.

Once again I am grateful to still be here...

Get your colonoscopies, people!

This is March, which means it's colorectal cancer awareness month. Since I had the dubious "pleasure" of having that particular form of the beast, I like to remind people in March that they need to have their colonoscopies. They're not pleasant, but they're not nearly as unpleasant as cancer!

Do it, people!!!

Another one gone...

I lost another friend today. This was a dear, precious lady who was a very caring member of my online cancer support group. *sigh* The fact about that group is that it has been so comforting to me since my diagnosis, and I've been able to use information I've learned there to help others. So it's a good thing. But it sure does take a piece of my heart on a regular basis.

Rest in peace, sweet Lisa.

Life is funny sometimes. I've passed my 4-year mark of being NED (no evidence of disease), and I'm doing fairly well, except for that pesky chronic pain in my abdomen. But just the thought of the oncology clinic throws me into a tizzy. Today I went up there to deliver a survivor/caregiver newsletter that I help produce for our local Relay For Life committee. All I had to do was walk in, let them know what I was bringing, place it in the waiting room, and go.

I realized as I was going up on the elevator that I was breathing more heavily, and a feeling of sadness rolled over me. I can face many things in life, and I have, but that oncology clinic always makes me feel like a little girl who wants her mommy.

Rest in Peace, Lib

Yesterday I said goodbye to another loved friend who had battled cancer. Although she had lived a good, long life, her loss will be felt greatly by her family and friends. I also regret so much the pain she had to go through on her journey.

Lib's funeral was at our church, and I was a member of the choir. As I looked out at the congregation and around the choir, I could identify several others who, like me, had faced cancer and won (so far). Once again I had to count my blessings and thank God for protection and healing. Oh, that I could grant the same to others...

Walking in the Rain

I know sometimes people probably see me walking down the street to work and wonder what's going on in my head. On days like today, when it was a bit cool and rainy, I was still smiling and bopping along. Every now and then, I lifted my face to feel the cool rain and to drink in the fresh smell in the air. After having cancer, I savor times like that, because they make me feel very alive. To someone who faced a life-threatening illness, feeling alive is FABULOUS.

Even if you've been blessed with the best health ever, try to live with appreciation of every moment, because we never know how many moments there will be.

Breakfast With Santa

On Saturday my Relay For Life team had our annual Breakfast With Santa. This is my favorite fundraiser we do every year. It's so much fun to see the kids in their Christmas clothes, faces all aglow with excitement. We have an excellent Santa who blesses us with his time every year.

I found myself being overwhelmed with joy Saturday as I stirred the hot cocoa and observed the families making Christmas memories. I did, however, find myself having a teary moment as I thought of my friends Roger and John, who will not be with their families this year. Their young ones will be going through the first Christmas without their fathers.

I wiped away my tears and resolved anew to never stop raising money to fight cancer. The work continues...

4 years!

Four years ago this past Wednesday, I was lying in a hospital bed, surrounded by family. I was in great pain from a colon resection, which doesn't sound nearly as rough as it is. It's not for sissies, I'll tell you that!

The good part of that day was when the doctor told me that he thought he "got it all." Believe me, if you have any kind of cancer in your body, those are words you want to hear. I clung to them and prayed they would be true.

I had to wait a few days for the pathology report to come back saying that my lymph nodes looked clean. Whew! I was ready to go home that day, and I was carrying hope in my heart!

I didn't realize then that the "courtesy visit" I was going to pay to an oncologist would turn out not to be my last. No, so far I have not been found to have anymore cancer, but I do go every 3 months to have lab work done, and I see the oncologist every 6 months. The oncology clinic is a place that made me cry on my first visit, and I still feel tense when I step off that elevator, but I have gotten used to it.

I'm sure I will never not worry when I feel sick or something seems to be not functioning well in my body, but I AM more relaxed about things than I was in the beginning. A little time and space will do that for you.

One thing that will always hold true is this. I spent Thanksgiving week 4 years ago getting an unexpected diagnosis, followed quickly by surgery and my entry into the oncology world. So every year for the rest of my life, Thanksgiving will be a time that I will give an extra prayer of thanks for the gift of life.